Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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