I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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