why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The uberlube is also flammable
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize