I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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