Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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