Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
