cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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