I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
