I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize