My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
