I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
