I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
