Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you traded sex for a burrito?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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