Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
