He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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