Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
