I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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