I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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