Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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