come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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