so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
