My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize