If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
last night I used snow as a chaser
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
