Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
