FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
