I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
