If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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