Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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