I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
a search helicopter?!
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
