i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Randomize
