i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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