I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
