look no pants
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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