I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
