My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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