dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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