I could have mohawked her pubes.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So many bounce houses so little time
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
