ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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