youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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