What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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