we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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