Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i think im in europe. pls send help
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
