so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
