Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize