My first STD was from a foam party
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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