This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The air was thick with penises
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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