First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
