I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
