You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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