really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
