my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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