you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
