Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Randomize
