My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
