that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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