hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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