So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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